Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts

Just in my mind


Just when life stops right in the middle,
I thought everything's going smooth sailing.
My mind's all set -- don't waste your time waiting,
Most days are spent, working and dreaming.

Just when I thought you're just somebody else,
I was carried away by your presence,
Moments and minutes I count your absence.
My heart says -- you're someone of my likeness.

Just when I'm beginning to see and prove,
I found out -- soon you are planning to move.
My mind is on the brink of losing it,
Maybe because you've touched it a lil bit.

Just so you know we have lots in common --
Introvert, reserve, movie enthusiast.
Many times I ask, will this feeling last?
My dear, is this love or JUST IN MY MIND?

-ND [2015]



Again...

Again...
And again.

I could not put into a clear context what i am feeling right now. After a weekend of stress-free life and bonding with our new found friends, i could not grasp what's happening again with my own psyche.

The feeling is heavy. The feeling is exhausting. The feeling is f*cking helpless and disturbing.

*Arghh*

I just want to go home, or ride a longboard, that would be awesome. Maybe i'm just having my seasonal mood change again and i think it's getting worst.

I want to know!



Just Friends

I know that I don't own you,
     and perhaps I never will,
     so my anger when you're with her,
     I have no right to feel.


I know that you don't owe me,
     and I shouldn't ask for more;
     I shouldn't feel so let down,
     all the time when you don't call.


What I feel --- I shouldn't show you,
     so when you're around I won't;
     I know I've no right to feel it --
     but it doesn't mean I don't.


                               -Lang Leav


Just Posting

Kumusta na?!


Anong bago?!


Ilang linggo na rin pala na wala akong dalang balita...


Magtatapos na ang Hunyo...


Nagdaan na ang Birthday ko...


Gasgas na ang pagkakuha ko sa Trabaho...


Eto parin ako!


Hayaan nyo kapag nagka-oras ako, susulat ako...


Sadyang malungkot lang and buhay na sinisimulang tahakin ko.


Let it rule me


I am not a firm believer of God. I actually have hundred times told myself that there is no such thing as God. But just in case, there is, I will “LET GO, LET GOD” rule this life that I have.

.
.
.
.
.


Minsan talaga may mga salita kang nabibitawan sa panahong bugnot na bugnot kana kakahintay sa isang bagay na parang wala naman patutunguhan, kahit ito man ay labag sa mga paniniwala mo. *tatawa nalang!


tar-ba-ho


Ika-dalawa na pala ng Mayo, tamad parin ako! Ano bang bago dito?! Hindi na ako nasanay sa sarili ko. Sa tinagal tagal ng panahon, hasang hasa na ang galing ko sa pagiging tamad at batugan. Kaya nga minsan naniniwala na ako sa paulit-ulit na sermon saakin ng aking tiyahin; "Ay ewan sayo, sinong niloko mo? Sa tamad mong yan alam ko ngayon palang na hindi kana aasenso." Shutang ina kung di ka lang living thing matagal na kitang pinaanod sa Bicol river.

*Hmmmmn sabagay ultimo pagsulat dito sa blog ko ay tinatamad ako. Ang pangako kong jogging sa sarili ko hanggang ngayon drawing abot isang kilometro. Pati pag-upload ng mga litrato sa Facebook, iniisip ko palang nabuburyong na agad ako. Yung matagal ng hinihintay na video na pina-edit sakin hanggang ngayon raw video parin. At ang pinakamalalang kinatatamaran ko, ANG PAGHAHANAP NG TRABAHO.

Aaminin ko, takot talaga akong ma-reject. Ewan basta ang sama sa pakiramdam, masakit pa kapag ang puso ko ang nasaktan dahil sa pag-ibig. Anyway, di naman sa di talaga ako naghahanap ng mapgtatrabahuhan, nagsubmit narin ako ng tigtatatlong copy ng resume sa ilang kumpanya dito sa Bicol, sa Manels pati rin International Organization kinapalan ko na. Yun nga lang, ni isa wala pang nagpaparamdam. Kita mo na, kahit nandito lang ako sa bahay may nagagawa rin naman ako. Pero hindi tulad ng effort a ibinubuhos ng mga kaibigan ko na ngayon ay sinusubukang hanapin ang swerte sa ka-Maynilaan, ang effort ko kakatiting lang. Ano ba naman kasing magagawa ko, eh dalawang taon akong naka-ban dito sa probinsyang sinilangan. Liban sa pagiging tamad ko at batugan, pagdating sa paghanap ng pinapangarap kong trabaho ay masyadong mapili at maarte ako.

Saan ba ako pupulutin ng disposisyon kong ito. *Linsyak gusto kong magtino pero ang hirap hirap. Sa araw-araw na gumigising ako, unti-unti rin akong kinakain ng hiya sa sarili at sa magulang ko. Pakiramdam ko kasi masyado pa akong bata para pasanin ang isang responsibilidad na agad-agad naipatong sa akin. Bakit ba kasi hindi nalang ako nabuhay kung saan ang pamilya ko ay may sariling kumpanya na multi-milyon ang halaga. Syempre ilusyon ko lamang iyon, masaya naman ako sa kung anong meron ako ngayon kaya nga lang ang panahon hindi nakikisama. Isang buwan nalang, hayaan nyo akong magbulakbol at gawin ang lahat kong naisin. Pagkatapos nito, hindi na ako mangagako, hahanapin at hahabulin ko na ang aking swerte. Maging ano man ang aking kahinatnan, tatanggapin ko ito ng buong-buong at sisiguraduhing aangat ako balang araw: magiging isang sikat at hahangaan ako ng maraming tao, higit sa lahat ipagmamalaki ako ng mama at papa ko. 

Kaya ngayon, walang sawa muna akong magtatampisaw at maliligo sa ulan hangga't maari. Salamat dumating na ang buwan ng Mayo nabawas-bawasan ang init ng aking ulo. At sa darating na Hunyo, alam kong suswertihin ako, dahil Birthday ko, magwiwish akong makahanap na ako ng TRABAHO!

Share ko lang kasi mukhang walang kwenta na ang pinagsusulat ko sa taas. Para naman ma-inspire ko kayo pati na rin ang sarili ko. Pampalubag pala ng loob, nabasa ko lang sa blog ng isang makulit na kaibigan ko. Wish me luck yow! :)

DON'T QUIT
Unknown Author 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.


#SNS Trending

Referring to my recent post below, Yes, I now become a Twitter addict and also a frequent Instagram user since I deactivated my Facebook account because of that *packing tape* time line interface. Hell yeah, from more than 400 tweets since the first time I tweeted, now i already have 1,303 tweets as of 12:52am April 13, 2012. In just a matter of three days I think I doubled my tweets three times. I am also new to Instagram yet i already have about ten post and hundred liked photos in just a week.You might think it's not that severe but on my part I think it is. My life for the past few days significantly depends on my social networking sites.

I fully understand that these sites are really entertaining and will ease the boring segments of your day. This may be subjected to individuals who mostly stays at home and got nothing to do because it's vacation. And since tumbang preso, tagu-taguan, piko, pitik bulag and etc. are extinct/alien games already, most of us resorted to the what the internet has to offer. However, in my case I live up my day in this freakin' effin useless virtual world, the only things that were real are those foods and liquids I intake.

Nagsisimula palang ang araw
Twitter na ang maririning na sigaw
Matapos lang maghugas ng katawan
Pangangati sa updates, magsisilbing agahan

Sa kainan kapag tanghalian
Instagram ang nasa hapag-kainan
Pagkuha ng litrato ng kung ano-ano
Abala sa masarap na pagsubo ng adobo.

Buong hapon di man lang nasinagan ng araw
Kuntento na sa computer na may makulay na ilaw
Ni pagpunta sa kubeta ay nagiging madalang
Nalilimutan ang oras na dapat pinagyayaman

Hindi man lang namalayan gumagabi na pala
Masyadong abala sa mga ilusyong nakikita
Gutom na ang tiyan at mainit na ang kinauupuan
Ilang oras ba namang babad sa kawalang kwentahan

Paulit-ulit at di nagbabago sa loob ng ilang araw
Hanggang sa makita mo ang sarili mong nahihirapan
Di kana makahinga, di kana makaalis dahil adik kana
Sige pagpatuloy mo yan at magiging buhay mo na yan

BUHAY NA WALANG KATUTURAN
PURO LANG KACHURVAHAN
PANAY ANG MGA KA-ANEKAN
GUSTO MO BA YAN?


*Darn* I don't want this kind of life. I don't like having this as a habit and as a way of living. Please stop me from being saturated by these media materials. It takes away my life and the room for me to develop and enrich my self. *Darn Darn Darn* I know it's not yet too late to change. Good for me to realize this thing so early.

I'm not saying that Social Networking Sites are bad., but of course too much of any thing is bad. Let's just use this social networking sites for the betterment of thy self and everyone. Let's be critical. Think before we click, and click what we only seek.


lost in LAB

Out of nowhere i suddenly feel blue. There's something which i can't understand within me. It's been quite a long time since i blog about my heart and consult if it's still beating. Instead of talking about how my Valentine's day went out "umeksena na naman bigla ito <3 in the most unexpected time. I suddenly asked myself "KAILAN KO KAYA MAHAHANAP ANG TRUE LOVE KO?" It's kinda corny and peculiar but i wasn't able to find myself for how many minutes that i ended up listening to sad musics.

I am a loner and they say i can live just by my self. I don't know! Maybe people see me as a strong and independent person. But like any other human being in this crazy wild world, i also need someone whom i can lean on and whom i can run to if i feel scared and when in doubt. It's hard you know but sometimes i am already used to it.

Just by myself i carry all the sad emotions which i cannot utter to anyone. Hindi ko na nga rin alam kung pano pa umiyak. Insensitive na yata ko masyado sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko na alam kung tao pa ba ako na marunong umiyak dahil nasasaktan at nalulungkot.

I'm not that kind of guy. I am not the typical man who lives his life to survive and to find true love. I am someone who wakes up everyday trying to explore new things and finding what's the real meaning of happiness. Neither i am after love, i am not after what love can offer me but i am after to how love can be so true for a person like me.

I am vague! And so be it. I just want to express what's within me...

I am capable of loving but not more than to how much i love myself. I love and endear people but not to the extent that i'll love them forever. For me everything has its limitations and boundaries. Thus, you cannot have everything all at once.

I am dreaming of a love that's like this and like that. A love which will make you stop in the middle of the rain. A love which can create unexpected performance from you. A love which can turn you into something brighter than sunshine. LOVE that can show more than the wonders you see. But this love sometimes, as others say, is not enough.

*I want to cry now* but no tears drop from my eyes.

Now i just want a love to prove me that "i CAN", i can do the things i thought i can't and that i can be HAPPY whichever road i choose to go.

I am talking too much of nonsense.


Thesis Defense Over


Finally THESIS Defense is over. I don't know how to say this but i'm happy and at the same time sad. Maybe because for how many months Thesis was my daily routine and it keeps me awake. But now, we're almost through with it. Parang di lang ako makapaniwala na sa hinaba haba ng prosisyon, sa grabeng pasakit na aming pinagdaanan, at sa sakit ng ulo tuwing gigising sa umaga, parang dumaan lang at di ko napansin. Honestly, i was expecting too much, i was expecting to be challenge and i was expecting a bit traumatic experience. Ewan basta yun yung feeling ko, masyadong naging mabait sakin ang Thesis kahapon at di ko yun gusto. Kahit di man ganun kataasan ang grade namin, pero alam mo yun may kulang, hindi sa grade pero sa ibang aspeto na hindi ko malaman kung saan ba nanggagaling ang paghihimutok kong ito. Siguro salamat nalang sa lahat ng suporta. Salamat sa lahat ng tao na tumulong. Salamat sa mga kaibigan na nagbigay lakas at inspirasyon. Salamat sa dalawa kong kagrupo na alam kong pinagtiisan ako ng sobra, dahil sa kanila siguradong ga-graduate ako. Salamat din sa guro namin sa lahat lahat. I JUST MISS THE FEELING!

MANibela Productions all hail to us...
still i believe we were one of the best
another 2 thumbs up for the three of us
good job! good job! ^_____^


run dry

days pass-by & as i get near the finish line
the road simply gets darker and narrower
and now little by little i can't see the way
it's also getting difficult to make any move
i'm afraid to get hurt, to stumble and to fall
how i wish i could fly and turn back the time
where my childish thoughts are never gone by
no THESIS, no HASSLE, no LOVE PROBLEM
only playmates, daydreams and dirty hands
...
....
.....
i wish everything in my mind will soon be fine
let be my guiding star and keep close to my side
so i could reach safe to the FINISH LINE. ^___^


Naman OH!

Minsan gusto kong gayahin si Jose Rizal, nasabi nya lahat ng gusto nyang sabihin…

Magawa ko kaya sabihin lahat, kahit kapalit nito ay ang aking kapahamakan…

Magawa ko kaya ipagpalit ang kinabukasan ko at ng aking pamilya sa pagkakadinig ng aking mga hinaing sa buhay?

Makita kaya nila ang aking nakikita o pipilitin lang akong tingnan ito sa ibang paraan?

Buhay nga naman…

*Letsugas*

*Linsyak*

*AnakngPut*

Oh kay hirap na...

O sadyang ang dami ko lang reklamo sa buhay!


unREASONable

di ko sinasadyang mahalin sya, minahal ko lang sya dahil nagbigay sya ng rason para mahalin ko sya.
wala namang kakaiba ng una kong makita ang simpleng picture nya
ni hindi ko nga napansin ang natatanging kagandahang taglay nya pala
nais ko lang makipagkaibigan at makipag-usap, walang halong pagnanasa


ilang buwan na halos ikaw ang ka-text, siguro wala lang mapaglibangan
o sadyang tayong dalawa lang ang nakakaintindi sa ating pinagdadaanan
hanggang sa unang pagkikita dun na ako nakaramdam ng something special


wala naman sa plano ko ang pumasok sa isang relasyon, masaya na ako
sapat na sa akin ang natatanggap na pagmamahal mula sa mga kaibigan ko
kuntento na ako sa kung ano man ang meron at mga bagay na wala ako


ewan ko ba, dati naman kasi lahat ng tao pare-pareho lang ang tingin ko
ewan ko ba, hindi ako marunong magmahal at pumuri ng ibang tao
ewan ko, hanggang sa isang araw biglang nag-iba na ang mundo ko


ewan, di ko namalayang unti-unti na akong nabubuhay kasama mo
ewan, di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na mahalin ka pa hanggat kaya ko
ewan. di na ako yung dating ako na madalas sarado sa tunay na mundo


binigyan mo ako ng dahilan upang buksan ang sarili at mahalin ang tulad mo
binigyan mo ng katuparan ang isang bagay na akala ko hindi magkakatotoo
binigyan mo ng pag-asa at kulay ang mahalagang parte sa buhay ko


ikaw ang nagturo sa puso ko na magmahal ng totoo, higit pa sa inakala ko!
pero ikaw rin ang nagbigay ng rason upang sarilinin ko muli ang mundo ko.
SORRY sa una palang mali na ako, di ko sinasadyang mahalin ka at masaktan ng ganito.



ewanSAKIN

Hello. So it’s been fourteen days since I last posted an entry here. I don’t know what happened to me this past few days.  Preoccupied that I ran out of writing juice, I guess. Madami naman nangyari, but nothing exceptional. Also, it's been two weeks already since the start of the semestral break but today is just my first day.

*sigh*

Ang dami na palang nangyari at nagbago makalipas lang ang ilang linggo. Naninibago nga ako sa mga kaganapan pag-uwi ko sa bahay kaninang hapon. Di ko maunawaan ang mga tao sa paligid ko, o sadyang sa loob lang ng ilang araw ako ay biglang nagbago.

*sigh*

It's already 12:33am on my clock but still i am wide awake. I can't help but to open the computer and start to write stupid thoughts. For the past weeks many things happened and I supposed to do a separate entry about them. However, the momentous feeling has gone to my mind already and i can't barely remember anything in particular except for the fact that i was very very happy and willing the last days of my life.

*sigh*

Punong puno ang utak ko ng kung anu-ano na di ko na alam kung ano lang ang dapat isipin. Ang gulo lang parang mga balita sa radyo at telebisyon. Gusto ko ng magpahinga pero ayaw tumigil ng utak ko sa kakaisip ng mga walang kwentang bagay. Gusto ko man umiyak sa isang tabi gaya ng ginawa ko ilang araw na ang nakalipas, ay hindi ko magawa ngayon. Nakakabad trip lungss, sana bukas magbago na ang mood ko.

*sigh*

*sigh*

*sigh*

Randomness envelops me and my brain, and that i'm sure my brain is connected to my heart. I badly need a psychologist right now. Am i bothered or what? Am i hallucinating or not? Am i over reacting? Hell yeah i can feel mixed emotions right now: love, heartache, happiness, envy, relax, disturb, chill and a whole lot more. Fuckin shit i need to find myself tomorrow. For now good night. >.<
________________________________________________________

P.S
Maybe my mind calls for another drama and ask me to talk regarding my experience of Love, Pain, Dreams and Failures. Okay that would be good for my next blog entries.


beginningLIFE

For many stories that have been told already, about people and the great things they did, may it be about art, war, excellence, leadership or something of big big pride, their great lives started from the day they were born up to the day they close their eyes. But for individuals like me, who looks the same as everyone around me, it’s different… a lot different. My real life did not start from the day I was born but instead, it started when I became part of a world different to mine, completely strange.

I admit that high school wasn’t really about school for me. It was about being a kid at the same time an adult. Where I did what I wanted to in the extent of my limitations. From friends to hang-outs, those were the life of teenagers. Non-stop fun was the scenery even if it is in the brink of quarterly exams. We kids are just unstoppable. But everything has endings, after we graduated, the fun was said to be just beginning but for us, it was the last of our happy days.

That was my so called life, but there was no meaning. Just like for toddlers where nothing is good or bad, they just do what they want since they still don’t know the rules in this world. So there it was, the fun we had vanished slowly, but I tried to bring the fun along with me. In the sense of I still don’t want to let go of my childhood and embrace the responsibilities of adults alike. Up to now, I don’t know how it happened but eventually, I managed to be the responsible person I imagined I would be.

And it all started in college, when I entered in this prestigious institution. Here, it is different, really different, not because religion was involved, but here, real life awaits me. The earlier time of my life was just fun, no grief, pain or suffering. It all started here, where I saw the things around me. And still, it is a continuous effort to live and deal with them for the rest of my life. Nakakapagod lang minsan but then again I have to push through because this is what they call life; continuous struggle to survive.

My beginnings will soon start again after five months. I feel so weak and exhausted already. Give me sun, give me rain, give me love, give me someone to love, or could you give me just another happy day. :(


just what i FEEL


Oftentimes I feel exhausted
Sometimes I feel I’m sick,
Can’t even move a finger
Can’t even barely speak
—————
It seems I haven’t eaten
It seems I haven’t slept
My body just can’t take it
Everything i tried to keep
—————
They think I need a doctor
I beg to disagree, bro
I know my own illness
I know my remedy
—————
These things that I have told you,
Those things I seem to feel
Sometimes it just break me
But they are not that real
—————
I just want some attention,
A hug or maybe two or three
I just need some comfort,
Maybe I just need you
—————
I can’t help but feel them
So that you’d give me care,
Or those sweet thoughts that gives me
The smiles you make me wear
—————
Maybe not exhausted
Maybe I’m not sick
Maybe those are child’s play
Maybe those are fantasies
—————
Just so that you would notice
How badly I miss you,
Just so you would know
I’m lonely without you.


nickNAME -_-



*big sigh* again last night!

Indeed, life is not about looking back and wishing that today is the same with the past. Life is about moving on, accepting changes and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete. Life is sometimes about letting go, setting free the things that makes you unhappy and does not deserve to stay in your life anymore.

Last night, we had a plan to visit my friend in their house because her father was dead. It was already 11:00pm when i arrived for i have to travel back in our town because i have my class in the city. I was not able to join them in the ride going to the wake place, and just when i enter the place i noticed some of the eyes were looking at me. I cannot held my head up and i was already unease with the feeling. And finally one of my friend tapped me in my back to say Hi, i think she's the only one who was able to recognize me. I don't know where to position myself in the crowd.I feel like i'm a different person. The people i expect to be there have left already a minute before i reached the place. So i just sit on a chair observing people discreetly.

First, i saw a friend who used to hold my hand before - even the first time we met. We're no longer close maybe because we never keep ourselves intouch with each other. I never pushed to chat with her but as i looked at her, she grown into a beautiful lady but her aura stays the same and she's still the friend i met years ago. I also heard her saying 'si nick' and caught her glancing at me as if she want to talk. We never did, i'm too aloof to start a conversation and besides i don't know too much about her.

Also, i saw a relative-friend whom i never had a close companionship since high school. There's no problem with me, maybe he's just uncomfortable talking to me. He just say 'kumusta na nick?' but we're good friends it's just that we seldom talk. Happy to see that the man i knew before was still the man i know in the present. There's only few updates on him and sort of modification on a subject which is sensitive to discuss. I'm also happy to see him very happy and proud of what he is right now.I can see a good person in him, a true-lover and a nice friend.

Next, i saw familiar faces (some i forgot the names). They were all sitting around the table and as usual they all drink and smoke. They asked me 'nick madya na digdi kana magtukaw!' i refrained going inside the table. I even refused to drink and smoke. They already matured physically but the subject of their jokes were still the same. I could not relate and discuss what is on my mind. They could still laugh and bang each other like before. They rarely talk to me and seldom ask me for a picture. I don't know what's on my face that they were all afraid to talk to me. I never dared to socialize except with one new buddy who tries hard to communicate with me but everytime he talks i don't find any answer to myself.

Then, i saw my two former teacher in high school. They were still the same, they're still best friend, and their smiles never change. I found myself walking to where they stay. I greeted them and had a plain talk about me in college. They said 'oh mr. nick dino' you seemed to be a bit thin and look quite different. By the time they left they asked me to invite them on my graduation celebration. I said yes with a smile on my face.

And i saw my very good friend Tin-Tin. I'm glad to see her smiling even though it's very hard to accept the death of her papa. She's really Tin-Tin who cries hard, but after loosing for a bit she will surely be back as a strong and jolly woman. I hold her hand as much as i can because that's the only thing i could offer her. I don't even know how to comfort someone, so just before i leave i hugged her tight. However, what marked on my head was the phrase she told me "ibahon kana kaya nick!." Only four words but it created a big impact on my whole being.

*deep sigh*

To see all of them once again after years or months was a reenergizer to my heart. But what happened to me? I suddenly asked myself before going to sleep last night. Where is Nico now? How is he now? Who is Nico now?

Can someone tell me what's happening? Nico is still here. I am with you guys can't you see me. I always see to it that i go home weekly. I'm fine though not that so fine. I'm better and on my way to be the best. Don't you like it? I may completely change physically but i don't think it change also the real thing in me. Hmmmn it's just that i don't drink and smoke now, i don't talk when no one begins to talk to me, and i prefer to be away from the crowd. Yes i know you all change and so with me, but why is that the change that happened to me was different from your change? 

For once, i want to go back in the past where i am loved/accepted by everybody, happy and no worries, free and always excited, then i will just live there for the entire years of my life. I miss to be called 'NICK'.

Nick who use to be NICE, INNOCENT, CUTE and KIND. Apart from that, all i can remember are good things in his past. Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick where are you now? Everybody in the house is looking for you. They miss you a lot, they miss the real and the old you. We'll be waiting for you no matter what, because it's never to late to have a life and never too late too late to change one.

I know what and who is to be blame.
I'LL BE OKAY SOON. SMILE :DDD