it's been quite sometime already since i last visited my blog and make an update.
i was too preoccupied by the challenges and changes happening in my life today,
i could not even afford to look at myself for five minutes in front of the mirror,
or even scrub my whole body and then stay for an hour inside the bathroom.

the things and rituals i used to do before are slowly getting out of my daily routine
i sometimes hate myself for looking this way & for being born not so good looking

well insecurities really sucks! 

anyway since writing takes so much time, and i am too lazy to make another post just for this blog, starting from now i would be posting all my journal entries that we are doing every week as apprentice here at Probe.

PS.
Kindly like our Facebook page @ http://www.facebook.com/UnlimitedProductionsInc
Also follow as on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/probetv

Thank You! :)

Like any other student that came from an uncivilized barrio and then suddenly went across rivers to study civilization...

The first day of my college life (ORSEM 2008), coming from an unknown and open-space public school, I was kinda afraid and nervous not because i'm scared of getting lost from the tall buildings that surrounds the campus, but because of the unfamiliar and strange faces that might belittle me. I feel so small and unnoticeable that very moment. I am so quite the whole time until I realized I went to a wrong group of students. It was the group of Education majors where I join, but I don't mind. As minutes, hours, days and years passed I finally found the right place in the university where i should belong (Media Studies Dept.).

alas! you noticed it already, though i don't want to do such thing but i think it's needed
and i was never wrong, at least today you already see how worthy i am in many ways
i am bad and i am perfectly good at it, you still don't know how fierce and wild i am
sorry but i really mean it, it's not for you to suffer but to realize and for you to discern

how dare you to accuse me of loving coz of money, i am richer than you and your guys
in the first place i loved you before thinking you'll be able to give me that little amount of love
that small ounce of genuine love and care that i am longing to experience in the real life
however, you fail me but hope you see i never leave you, and i've learned a lot from that

honestly, i don't know what to say now, it's all up to you to bring back to what has loss
just keep in mind that whatever happened i never leave you, you're the one who betrayed me
i will always be here, i may not be the same like before, but i will be true to you until the end
thank you  for letting me change for the better and how i wish i could tell you this personally

thank you indeed for making me better and for keeping me stronger, i owe these to you
maybe i still like you but not as much as i like and love you very much going back to the past
thank you again, that for once in my life you let me took the risk in love though it didn't last
of course i can also say that you're lucky too to have me and i will never ever come back

i would not be doing it again coz that was all enough, i am too scared already to take the risk
you'll be the only person and the the last to do such thing on me, i will not let it happen again
just want you to know that loving is not easy, and as one friend told me, never played with love
it's really hard to be ignored and to feel unloved while you keep on loving and loving and loving

you're the most worst possible person to love, but darn, i was able to love you!
you've cause a lot of troubles already a long time ago but it was not an issue anymore
as a matter of fact i am thankful to you for letting me down, see i'm stronger and better
but i am not as brave as i am before, still i will always be here for you to count on

and if you think this is already goodbye, for me this is not yet the end of everything
you've been one of the the worst and the best part of my entire living, it will remain here <3



"siguro namate ko man talaga an pagpadangat mong totoo,
kaya lang kulang kumpara sa  kakadikit na hinahagad ko."

Four days remaining and my college years will be over. I can't imagine how the four years have gone so fast. My jar of memories isn't full yet. Wish i could have done more and experience things which i think would help me as a person. Indeed, regrets and disappointments hovers above my psyche and i couldn't comprehend my thoughts now. It's been four years and i think i haven't done much big for my self and for everyone. *Hell yeah* Nothing else to do about it, only four days remaining and of course it's not enough to fill up that four long years. I'll just go straight and let happy thoughts flow and enjoy this very moment with people i endear most.

Out of nowhere i suddenly feel blue. There's something which i can't understand within me. It's been quite a long time since i blog about my heart and consult if it's still beating. Instead of talking about how my Valentine's day went out "umeksena na naman bigla ito <3 in the most unexpected time. I suddenly asked myself "KAILAN KO KAYA MAHAHANAP ANG TRUE LOVE KO?" It's kinda corny and peculiar but i wasn't able to find myself for how many minutes that i ended up listening to sad musics.

Finally THESIS Defense is over. I don't know how to say this but i'm happy and at the same time sad. Maybe because for how many months Thesis was my daily routine and it keeps me awake. But now, we're almost through with it. Parang di lang ako makapaniwala na sa hinaba haba ng prosisyon, sa grabeng pasakit na aming pinagdaanan, at sa sakit ng ulo tuwing gigising sa umaga, parang dumaan lang at di ko napansin. Honestly, i was expecting too much, i was expecting to be challenge and i was expecting a bit traumatic experience. Ewan basta yun yung feeling ko, masyadong naging mabait sakin ang Thesis kahapon at di ko yun gusto. Kahit di man ganun kataasan ang grade namin, pero alam mo yun may kulang, hindi sa grade pero sa ibang aspeto na hindi ko malaman kung saan ba nanggagaling ang paghihimutok kong ito. Siguro salamat nalang sa lahat ng suporta. Salamat sa lahat ng tao na tumulong. Salamat sa mga kaibigan na nagbigay lakas at inspirasyon. Salamat sa dalawa kong kagrupo na alam kong pinagtiisan ako ng sobra, dahil sa kanila siguradong ga-graduate ako. Salamat din sa guro namin sa lahat lahat. I JUST MISS THE FEELING!

It's my first post this month of November and i have not planned to do it this way. Instead i want something related to what happened to me last All Saints Day, but to keep in track i'll do my best to insert the woo-woos regarding to that matter and since the story i am going to tell you was before, during and after Halloween. Sorry in advance for the grammatical errors that i will make, i'll try to write in straight English.

Some people might don't have the idea that i had given up love for i think four months already. I was hardly and badly hit by an unfortunate love affair (as i may say but don't get me wrong LOL). It hit straight all throughout my psyche that i was able to tell my self not to love anymore. I also had this thoughts in mind not to marry in the future because i do really admit i was not a good lover at all and that no one can stand along with me for too long. Yes, it's so sad on my part but as i said to my self and as expected I choose to get hurt when i choose to be in love and that what am i experiencing today is the consequence of letting my emotions overrule my sanity. But what else could be good if the happiness you want was in that the same person whom you cannot be with for the rest of your life. You'll be willing to sacrifice even a little bit of everything just to be with that person. Whatever to me! Because she was never mine, we're not always together, i don't know exactly what kind of relationship we had, but surely she was one of my sweetest whatever. And that made me think of her for once in a while, like recently before Halloween came I was really hoping if i could see that same person i'd go crazy enough. And that hope turns to be that way. We were able to meet discreetly (take note discreetly not secretly LOL) No matter how many times i told myself not to bother and be involve with her anymore, i couldn't resist because i found comfort by her side. Yes, i am afraid of loosing grip for the second time yet my heart is still willing to open its door to the same person who might not be willing and able to take good care of it but absolutely will able to keep it beating. But i know this time the best way to avoid heart ache while staying close to her is to stay just as friends. Hence, i was very glad to meet her again and was able to hear from her alluring lips the words "I MISS YOU SO MUCH". As much as i want to reply, it's a no no, i want to hold back as long as i can. No matter how much i want to kiss and hug her i am scared that my efforts to become a better person for the last few months will just put into waste. I'll just keep myself to where i should be and don't linger anymore to my failures - mostly because of her. I'll just stay as a good friend to her, try not to fix what has been damaged and let go of what had happened, or else i might end up crazy. I think we're good as friends - talk about silly things, annoy and tickle each other and what friends usually do. I am happy that i am not bitter anymore since i got the chance to meet her again even just for a little while. Moreover, sometimes it's nice to forgive people no matter what they did just for the simple fact that you still want them be in your life.


I think i wrote too much already... And i'm already hungry... Eating... And i'm done eating... I think i also lost the spirit of writing about this thing but i'll try hard. Actually every year i look forward in celebrating Halloween because i always got the chance to see my old friends at least for this day - spend too much time hanging around, buy some liquors and brag anyone's achievements. But this year, i was not able to meet any of them. I don't know why or maybe because i was busy spending quality time with my family and relatives. Nevertheless, none in the group bothered to call or even text me to come along with them. Twas okay, i'm just being pathetic. Anyway, this year's Halloween was one of the most meaningful ever, since i was able to give the kids their treat instead of tricks and i was able to go home to my hometown to share special moments with my family. I had realized how caring and loving was mom towards me. I am so lucky to have her so with my father who is very diligent and hard-working though i know among all his siblings my younger brother was his most precious baby and i am the least. My elder brother has been always good every time he'll try to make a conversation while my younger brother keeps on teasing me. I feel so blessed to have them all in the verge of my distorted life. If you could just read this post, i really mean it Ma, Pa, Manoy and Kim. I love you guys!


I'm already enrolled by this time and i suddenly miss my good friends back in Ateneo. For the past 4 years of my life they have been witnessing how i grew up and preach as a man. They saw me laughing out loud, get angry, upset and once see me crying (if that's really the case) They've been occupying a big part on me already that sometimes i am very scared of being lonely. I love the way we hugged each other and sometimes give each other a kiss on the cheek. I just love the way these people love the way i am without no condition. They were also the reason why i once told myself not to fall in love anymore because i already have them beside me. You know guys who you are. You all are one of the best. On the other side, after Halloween we went to the cemetery to visit the in loving memories of _______ and _______ and _______ and _______ and etc. LOL We are missing you guys but my Aunts will surely have their heart attacks due to severe shock/scare if you'll dare to visit us.  LMAO The family count are decreasing already so i must start making more babies now. WTH? What i was thinking after Halloween was the things after i leave this world. Honestly, i am not afraid of death, what am i afraid of was the thought of easily forgotten by the people without leaving them a sort of legacy that will make my name memorable and a proof that i live my life earnestly. That's the thing i am learning to make all throughout my life if you would mind to ask. And if i die someday i am really serious about having my body cremated and send a portion of it to the moon. That's was way cool than being buried and decomposed after a year. I would like my ashes float in the ether and fall to the moon after a year. I heard it and saw it personally on TV, and said it would cost about 200,000. If i could just do it myself why not. Anyway after Halloween i got again the chance to see her. Of course to some point I am happy especially knowing that she's been looking for me all day long and that she really wants to see me for no valid reason. I don't give meaning to that since we already cleared each other as friends. I really like the way i get speechless whenever i see her and the way she tease me for being so conscious about myself seeing her. It's also good that for the first time she was able to see my family and relatives who are very supportive to me and that i already regain myself from the troubles she made. She's not anymore my life like what i used to say before, but she's still a part of it i'm sure because she taught me how to give without asking for any return. I am tired already writing this entry and i still have to wake up very early tomorrow. So that will be enough for now.

__________________________________________

di ko sinasadyang mahalin sya, minahal ko lang sya dahil nagbigay sya ng rason para mahalin ko sya.

wala namang kakaiba ng una kong makita ang simpleng picture nya
ni hindi ko nga napansin ang natatanging kagandahang taglay nya pala
nais ko lang makipagkaibigan at makipag-usap, walang halong pagnanasa


ilang buwan na halos ikaw ang ka-text, siguro wala lang mapaglibangan
o sadyang tayong dalawa lang ang nakakaintindi sa ating pinagdadaanan
hanggang sa unang pagkikita dun na ako nakaramdam ng something special


wala naman sa plano ko ang pumasok sa isang relasyon, masaya na ako
sapat na sa akin ang natatanggap na pagmamahal mula sa mga kaibigan ko
kuntento na ako sa kung ano man ang meron at mga bagay na wala ako


ewan ko ba, dati naman kasi lahat ng tao pare-pareho lang ang tingin ko
ewan ko ba, hindi ako marunong magmahal at pumuri ng ibang tao
ewan ko, hanggang sa isang araw biglang nag-iba na ang mundo ko


ewan, di ko namalayang unti-unti na akong nabubuhay kasama mo
ewan, di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na mahalin ka pa hanggat kaya ko
ewan. di na ako yung dating ako na madalas sarado sa tunay na mundo


binigyan mo ako ng dahilan upang buksan ang sarili at mahalin ang tulad mo
binigyan mo ng katuparan ang isang bagay na akala ko hindi magkakatotoo
binigyan mo ng pag-asa at kulay ang mahalagang parte sa buhay ko


ikaw ang nagturo sa puso ko na magmahal ng totoo, higit pa sa inakala ko!
pero ikaw rin ang nagbigay ng rason upang sarilinin ko muli ang mundo ko.
SORRY sa una palang mali na ako, di ko sinasadyang mahalin ka at masaktan ng ganito.

For many stories that have been told already, about people and the great things they did, may it be about art, war, excellence, leadership or something of big big pride, their great lives started from the day they were born up to the day they close their eyes. But for individuals like me, who looks the same as everyone around me, it’s different… a lot different. My real life did not start from the day I was born but instead, it started when I became part of a world different to mine, completely strange.

I admit that high school wasn’t really about school for me. It was about being a kid at the same time an adult. Where I did what I wanted to in the extent of my limitations. From friends to hang-outs, those were the life of teenagers. Non-stop fun was the scenery even if it is in the brink of quarterly exams. We kids are just unstoppable. But everything has endings, after we graduated, the fun was said to be just beginning but for us, it was the last of our happy days.

That was my so called life, but there was no meaning. Just like for toddlers where nothing is good or bad, they just do what they want since they still don’t know the rules in this world. So there it was, the fun we had vanished slowly, but I tried to bring the fun along with me. In the sense of I still don’t want to let go of my childhood and embrace the responsibilities of adults alike. Up to now, I don’t know how it happened but eventually, I managed to be the responsible person I imagined I would be.And it all started in college, when I entered in this prestigious institution. Here, it is different, really different, not because religion was involved, but here, real life awaits me. The earlier time of my life was just fun, no grief, pain or suffering. It all started here, where I saw the things around me. And still, it is a continuous effort to live and deal with them for the rest of my life. Nakakapagod lang minsan but then again I have to push through because this is what they call life; continuous struggle to survive.