nickNAME -_-
*big sigh* again last night!
Indeed, life is not about looking back and wishing that today is the same with the past. Life is about moving on, accepting changes and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete. Life is sometimes about letting go, setting free the things that makes you unhappy and does not deserve to stay in your life anymore.
Last night, we had a plan to visit my friend in their house because her father was dead. It was already 11:00pm when i arrived for i have to travel back in our town because i have my class in the city. I was not able to join them in the ride going to the wake place, and just when i enter the place i noticed some of the eyes were looking at me. I cannot held my head up and i was already unease with the feeling. And finally one of my friend tapped me in my back to say Hi, i think she's the only one who was able to recognize me. I don't know where to position myself in the crowd.I feel like i'm a different person. The people i expect to be there have left already a minute before i reached the place. So i just sit on a chair observing people discreetly.
First, i saw a friend who used to hold my hand before - even the first time we met. We're no longer close maybe because we never keep ourselves intouch with each other. I never pushed to chat with her but as i looked at her, she grown into a beautiful lady but her aura stays the same and she's still the friend i met years ago. I also heard her saying 'si nick' and caught her glancing at me as if she want to talk. We never did, i'm too aloof to start a conversation and besides i don't know too much about her.
Also, i saw a relative-friend whom i never had a close companionship since high school. There's no problem with me, maybe he's just uncomfortable talking to me. He just say 'kumusta na nick?' but we're good friends it's just that we seldom talk. Happy to see that the man i knew before was still the man i know in the present. There's only few updates on him and sort of modification on a subject which is sensitive to discuss. I'm also happy to see him very happy and proud of what he is right now.I can see a good person in him, a true-lover and a nice friend.
Next, i saw familiar faces (some i forgot the names). They were all sitting around the table and as usual they all drink and smoke. They asked me 'nick madya na digdi kana magtukaw!' i refrained going inside the table. I even refused to drink and smoke. They already matured physically but the subject of their jokes were still the same. I could not relate and discuss what is on my mind. They could still laugh and bang each other like before. They rarely talk to me and seldom ask me for a picture. I don't know what's on my face that they were all afraid to talk to me. I never dared to socialize except with one new buddy who tries hard to communicate with me but everytime he talks i don't find any answer to myself.
Then, i saw my two former teacher in high school. They were still the same, they're still best friend, and their smiles never change. I found myself walking to where they stay. I greeted them and had a plain talk about me in college. They said 'oh mr. nick dino' you seemed to be a bit thin and look quite different. By the time they left they asked me to invite them on my graduation celebration. I said yes with a smile on my face.
And i saw my very good friend Tin-Tin. I'm glad to see her smiling even though it's very hard to accept the death of her papa. She's really Tin-Tin who cries hard, but after loosing for a bit she will surely be back as a strong and jolly woman. I hold her hand as much as i can because that's the only thing i could offer her. I don't even know how to comfort someone, so just before i leave i hugged her tight. However, what marked on my head was the phrase she told me "ibahon kana kaya nick!." Only four words but it created a big impact on my whole being.
*deep sigh*
To see all of them once again after years or months was a reenergizer to my heart. But what happened to me? I suddenly asked myself before going to sleep last night. Where is Nico now? How is he now? Who is Nico now?
Can someone tell me what's happening? Nico is still here. I am with you guys can't you see me. I always see to it that i go home weekly. I'm fine though not that so fine. I'm better and on my way to be the best. Don't you like it? I may completely change physically but i don't think it change also the real thing in me. Hmmmn it's just that i don't drink and smoke now, i don't talk when no one begins to talk to me, and i prefer to be away from the crowd. Yes i know you all change and so with me, but why is that the change that happened to me was different from your change?
For once, i want to go back in the past where i am loved/accepted by everybody, happy and no worries, free and always excited, then i will just live there for the entire years of my life. I miss to be called 'NICK'.
Nick who use to be NICE, INNOCENT, CUTE and KIND. Apart from that, all i can remember are good things in his past. Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick where are you now? Everybody in the house is looking for you. They miss you a lot, they miss the real and the old you. We'll be waiting for you no matter what, because it's never to late to have a life and never too late too late to change one.
I know what and who is to be blame.
I'LL BE OKAY SOON. SMILE :DDD
